I’m sitting here in a white room, toy elephant on my bed, with with pictures of my favourite creature – the butterfly, and a few pictures of my best friends and musical reminders of good times on the walls. i am in a hospital. there are people just like me here. it was only a few months ago i was here for the very first time after coming seriously close to not making it. I have depression, post traumatic stress disorder (which i’ve blogged about) and anxiety disorder. as i described to my psychiatrist I am one big ball of fucked up. She disagrees. Points to everyhthing i’ve survived. Everything i’ve gained in the process of learning how to be human after being treated inhumanely for a very long time.
what are my thoughts on suicide?.. as a society we cannot comprehend individuals being in so much pain that the only way out is to take their own lives. every single day that i live i live with a legacy of a past that no one should know, and a future that seems so distant it’s almost out of view. Even though I am here because I professed a desire to end my own life, i think that consciously I was crying out for help…. i needed to tell people about what I was going through and how I need a reason to live again. If we do reach out to those in pain, we may encourage them to get the help they need. A very unwell person quite close to me said. Mel, stop talking and just fucking listen. And I think that’s what I and every other person with whatever form of mental illness or hardship in their lives wants. to be listened to, heard, and understood.
But I am recovering. Despite the setbacks. Despite the moments of sheer and utter despair and friends on the phone line or across the table at coffee not knowing what to do I know that every time I get into these states I can get out of them. That they are not irreparable, they just take time to recover from. I imagine healing from these things as like lifting weights. your muscles get fucking tired and sometimes they need a break. But what also happens is they get stronger, every time you lift, and as you progress you can lift more. There is such an extreme amount of anguish the body and mind takes in – but so much joy. I think the best thing for everyone is when we finally embrace the love in our lives. This can be anything from romantic love to just having good friends around. I am learning to do it.
to anyone who on the off chance who might read this.
it gets better. It will.