“everything is black and white except the choices I am making about the coloured boxes I could fit in” (Tom Dickins – Somewhere Under the Rainbow)
it has been almost a year since I was beaten and sexually assaulted as a drag king.. today I take the first steps to coming out as something far more authentic and representative..as part of the healing process. as part of being a part of the movemement for our rights.
a boy. 🙂
to myself, I haver admitted that my gender wasn’t the one I was born in for at least the last four and a half years. I have felt increasingly uncomfortable in solely women’s spaces, feeling increasingly distant from other women, although still openly identifying as feminist (as i think is more than possible for gender diverse people to do) felt as though I have far more in common with the men in my life than the women, although I have enjoyed incredible bonds with women and continue to do so and really hope that doesn’t change.
it has becoming incredibly incongruous, dissonant and discordant for me to continue to live the way I have been living biologically female but thinking,feeling, being in every sense of the word, male. Yet coming out is filled with trepidation. I’ve already experienced violence as a drag king,
which delayed my coming out even further, but in some ways solidified my decision. If we are ever to combat transphobia, the first people we need to start with is ourselves – acknowledging the truth of who we are. I began with selectively explaining to a group of friends (some of whom i’m unfortunately no longer friends with) that I wanted to be called by a male name and use male pronouns. Today I made the first step of telling my best friend. She reacted in a completely inappropriate way. Even though I have felt completely and utterly bereft, I also feel vindicated. Vindicated in the sense that I know exactly who I am and what I am and expressing that is my right. I don’t understand her attitude, I am still the person she made friends with. In fact, I feel more whole and at peace than I ever did in my previous life. Even though I know now this road is probably the hardest road I will ever travel, every step along the way will be worth it. The people I have that actually support me, support me for ever. unconditionally. And i am so grateful.
my name is Matthew.
I have not had hormones or surgery – but I want them.
I am still the person you love and have grown to love
I still write the same
fight the same
love the same
fuck (well, i haven’t really tried it as a boy yet, but i can assume it will be only slightly different) the same.
am essentially the same.
I am not afraid anymore
I am incredibly liberated and for the first time like a whole person.
if you’re confused, uncertain or don’t know how to negotiate the new me. (which is really, to me, the old me, but new to all of you guys i realize) just ask. in fact, i almost expect you to ask and would be more offended if you assume shit.
Love..in all shapes and sizes
Matthew.
Poetry 101 