A Rant With a Point. (about outing, hate crimes and how to love your transfriends)

Major Major Trigger warning.. Tonight I am really upset and I am going to go there. Don’t read if you aren’t in a good headspace.

When the living fuck are people going to wise up about transphobic/homophobic bullying? When? I rode my bike to work for the first time on Monday since moving to Fairfield (living on my own, yay!) I went into the bathroom to change and shower as it was a long hot and sweaty ride. Please keep in mind that when dressed formally for work I pretty much pass. I am known as Matthew at work and have never been known as another identity.  However, a male colleague of mine, also a bike rider that day saw me in the change room before I dressed formally. Essentially, in my still very female body.  He asked me if I was a cross dresser. I said no. I said I was a transman going through transition.  I thought it was better to voluntarily out myself rather than lie about it.  I also asked him to keep it to himself. I didn’t mind him knowing but it was none of anyone else’s business.

in less than 4 hours… the whole fucking library knew… You know that “i’m going to stop talking just as you walk into the coversation to make it look like i’m not talking about you” thing that high school kids often did to really badly hide the fact they were gossipping. yeah. that. all fucking day. One of the women said to me that she’d “have a word to the manager” when I asked her what that meant she said.. well, you know, families come in here and stuff.    These are librarians, relatively progressive people with knowledge, but clearly now they know my “secret” i’ve changed from being just an ordinary bloke, to somehow deviant and wrong in their eyes.  I still go to work. I still do my job, but it’s pretty evident the people who i once thought of as colleagues and friends aren’t anymore – apart from one girl, who’s sister is a transwoman and said she was very much on my side. Glad.  I feel deeply depressed and betrayed by these people.  I no longer consider my work a safe place to be Matthew.

I guess the point is this is where hate crimes come from.. These are the kinds of attitudes that foster hate in our community.  There’s a link between physical and sexual assault and verbal harrassment in the street office and school… It’s a fine line between what I experienced this week, and what I experienced two years  ago.

This is the part you stop reading if your head space isn’t wonderful.

It was a relatively busy saturday night in Acland Street.  I was dressed, I had a full confidence that I had not experienced in weeks, having just moved to the area and  not really known anyone.  I was dressed and passed, the man who served me dinner even calling me “sir”.   There were a group of drunk tourists, St Kilda being famous for them one of them in particular began taunting me and calling me a tranny and asking me if i was a “real boy”. I ignored him, finished my food and left.  what i didn’t see was that he had followed me, proceeded to grab me, and physically and sexually assault me,in a brutal and fucking horrible way,  taunting me with transphobic slurs the entire time.  No one came to my aid, despite the area being visible to many a passer by.  When I reported the crime to police they did not take it seriously as a hate crime despite my obvious situation.  The assault made me doubt everything about being transgendered, about my male appearance, and for a very long time, untill just recently, I went completely into the closet.  I still fucking dream about this man.. I still, on a really bad night, see him in the corners of my bedroom even though I have not lived in St Kilda for many months.

I guess the point is that do not, under any circumstances, treat your transgendered friends, loved ones, colleagues, and people close to you as though they do not matter.  Outing has a consequence, and for some it can be deadly.  To the colleague who outed me, I am pretty sure you will not be employed for too much longer, but the damage is done.  Think twice about your actions, think about the horrible depression and anxiety you have caused by what you thought was a joke. Work is a safe place, a place where people spend most of their time.  I want that back.

if you’re sex and or gender diverse (trans, intersex or gender variant in any way) call the gay and lesbian switchboard in victoria. if you’re having issues.  Help definitely out there.  Also  if you are considering reporting a hate crime to the police, ask to speak to a Gay and Lesbian Liason Officer (GLLO) present at every station.  If you do report and you are not afforded one, don’t be afraid to ask. It makes a difference. Google search to find out where they are near you.

How to Respect a Trans* person (transblog 2)

From www.wikihow.com

Thank them. It is very hard to come out to people as transgender. They trust and/or respect you very much to have come out to you. Thank them for trusting you; it will mean a lot to them, because you mean a lot to them.

Respect their gender identity. Think of them as the gender they refer to themselves as and refer to them with their chosen name and gender pronoun (regardless of their physical appearance) from now on. (Unless they are not out, or tell you otherwise. Ask to be sure if or when there are times it is not okay.)

Watch your past tense. When talking of the past don’t use phrases like “when you were a previous gender” or “born a man/woman,” because many transgender people feel they have always been the gender they have come out to you as, but had to hide it for whatever reasons. Ask the transgender person how they would like to be referred to in the past tense. One solution is to avoid referencing gender when talking about the past by using other frames of reference, for instance “Last year”, “When you were a child”, “When you were in high school”, etc. If you must reference the gender transition when talking about the past, say “before you came out as current gender”, or “Before you began transitioning” (if applicable).

Don’t be afraid to ask. Many transgender people will be happy to answer most questions, and glad you are taking an interest in their life. Don’t expect the transgender person to be your sole educator. It is your responsibility to inform yourself. Exception: questions about genitalia, surgeries, and former names should usually only be asked if you need to know in order to provide medical care, are engaging in a sexual relationship with the transgender person, or need the former name for legal documentation. ( Matt’s note: I would say questions around genitalia are even inappropriate in some contexts when discussing sexual relationships beyond issues of pleasure and consent – it depends on the level of intimacy with your partner. Casual hook up conversations would be very different to intimate partner conversations)

Respect the transgender person’s need for privacy. Do not out them without express permission. Telling people you are transgender is a very difficult decision, not made lightly. “Outing” them without their permission is a betrayal of trust and could possibly cost you your relationship with them. It may also put them at risk, depending on the situation, of losing a lot – or even being harmed. They will tell those they want to, if or when they are ready. This advice is appropriate for those who are living full-time or those who have not transitioned yet. For those living full-time in their proper gender role, very many will not want anyone who did not know them from before they transitioned to know them as any other than their current, i.e. proper, gender.

Don’t assume what the person’s experience is. There are many different ways in which differences in gender identity are expressed. The idea of being “trapped in a man/woman’s body”, the belief that trans women are hyperfeminine/trans men are hypermasculine, and the belief that all trans people will seek hormones and surgery are all stereotypes that apply to some people and not to others. Be guided by what the person tells you about their own situation, and listen without preconceived notions. Do not impose theories you may have learned, or assume that the experience of other trans people you may know or have heard of is the same as that of the person in front of you. Don’t assume that they are transitioning because of past trauma in their lives, or that they are changing genders as a way to escape from their bodies.

Treat them the same. While they may appreciate your extra attention to them, they don’t particularly appreciate you making a big deal of them. After you are well-informed, make sure you’re not going overboard. Transgender people have essentially the same personalities as they did before coming out. Treat them as you would anybody else.

The Conversation (Transblog 1)

Or.. That akward moment when you tell your family and friends you’re about to physically become a bloke…

so.. um.. what do I call you now?

oh.. but you’re still you.. right?

wow… when did you make that decision? (about 27 years ago, i was a zygote, really. )

what bathroom do you use?

how do you.. i mean, what about the sex thing.  (all the time, REALLY!)

what will this mean for your future relationships? (nothing, i just hope i’m a bit better looking 🙂 )

you’re beautiful, why would you want to do that to your body?

The conversation i’d like to have would be as follows.

wow, i am so glad you told me.

I’ll support you in any way I can.

I understand this is a difficult and frustrating time but if there’s anything I can do let me know.

I am really proud of you for living the way you want to live and need to live.

You’re still my friend/child/lover/whatever

There are lots of things I don’t know about this topic, but I’ll try and find out as much as possible.

I  have been met with both of those reactions.   When I tell you, I am telling you because I value you as a part of my life and want you to come with me on this journey.  I am not looking for attention or sympathy.  Don’t be afraid to ask me questions, if there’s anything you don’t know or understand.  I value your desire to help me, and asking what you might think is a “dumb” question is far better than actually remaining ignorant and assuming things.   Many transpeople I have met  have commented on the reactions of their loved ones.  Some are met with fear ignorance shame and rejection… Lucky for me I have not.. People have been largely supportive of my choices, even if not completely understanding where I am coming from..   As I become more physically obvious I hope it gets easier for people, as we become so reliant on physical markers to form ideas. 

Right now I am stuck between telling certain people and having them look at me strangely.. I am pre-op, and extremely feminine, despite often wearing a binder.  The conversation I really want to have with you when you stare at me so, is ask why you find it so confronting that someone who’s male can look female.  It is completely fucked that we’ve forced ourselves to think of gender in two very binary streams.   It never occurred to me that I could be anything other than exactly what I am… I hid it for so long because I believed that I could conform to the way  I was told I should be.  But i’m not that person, I just am not.   One of the things I’ve noticed, is that since I have come out, my confidence levels have sky rocketed.  I can do a great deal more now, have become more opinionated, (if anyone thought it was possible) more loving and outgoing, less inhibited because I am not always having to hide myself.  I feel naked and reborn, as cliched as it sounds.

So I’ll continue to post these blogs, in the hope that whoever they reach might get a tiny bit of an insight into what it’s like for me and others.  This stuff, it matters.  A great deal.